Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Annual Report, or Christmas Letter Spoof Time


                twenty-eleven ....   surprise!

Hello there, and a very mustachioed holiday greeting
                              to  you and yours.




It has been a lovely year of surprises for the us here in Georgia.

Perhaps you sense an underlying hint of facetiousness in that statement, as surprises are not all lovely, are they? I mean, you could have a Surprise! party thrown for you at your own house where you show up naked, or grumpy mad or with a wine-stained tongue and open your door to a houseful of people, say, "Oh shit!" and promptly close the door again.
 Which is not at all what happened at our friend Dawn's 40th.
 Again, with the facetiousness.

You could have an oh-my-kid-is-really-sick-the-doc-was-wrong kind of Surprise! And that one pretty much blows. Ain't no pretty thing there, except, Surprise! Her surgeon is a tiny little Indian man with enough quirks to fill your next three novels, and double Surprise! Life in the hospital is quite interesting after all. Hollywood was right.

You could plan a summer vacation. Where... Surprise! The number of children multiples by two. You thought this was a good idea at the time. Surprise!

You might learn that exploring history Florida style means ghost hunting at a St. Augustine playground in the shadow of a lighthouse ... and surprise! You've found spirit orbs!

Thinking of popping a beer with your lunch on the beach? Surprise! Your new best friends are three armed cops in three pickups circling your bikini-clad wife. 

When checking an item off the husband's bucket list: Deepsea fishing, he fails to take in account the possibility of Surprise! seasickness. ;(

Yes. Surprises have a tendency to sneak up on you...

Just when you thought you'd given up business travel....Surprise, you have a new branch in DC! oh, and Surprise! You'll be eating ribs in Nashville tonight!

When you decide the new car you've been driving isn't really you...
Surprise! The real you is a cautious black German with a flashy interior. 

Can't find that misplaced camera? Try slamming the truck door until you break the lock. Surprise! There it is, wedged in the frame, bent and mostly inoperable. 

Told the kid you'd take him to his first concert. Surprise! He wants to see Five Finger Death Punch. Surprise! You've gone deaf.

You realize your costs have increased 8%, while your income decreased 13%. Surprise! You never were that good at math. 

The pastor patches the hole in his house and moves away, but Surprise! The woodpecker returns! You enjoy telling visitors, Look! It's the pastor's pecker!

No matter how many times you're told to watch what you say...Surprise! Like when the girl's hopped up on morphine overhears Mommy reading her book dedication where she facetiously—there's that word again—promises all her people a fuzzy little bunny... Surprise! You're shopping for baby rabbits.

Suckered into the neighborhood swim team for the first year. You realize, Surprise! It's not just for the kid. 98 unrecoverable hours and $$$$ later, you begin to Surprise!  hate goggles and spandex. But hey, for the future, Surprise! Roadside beer sales would not be a bad idea.

Dear son, When your truck hits a tree, Surprise! You can't always back up and drive away.

Linda overhears a backpacking trip plan and Surprise! invites herself along. That means more Surprise! expenses, and a chilly few nights in the woods with Surprise! strangers at 3am and....snow.

 Surprise! Cheerleading$$$ is not just about dropping off and picking up the teenaged girl.

Getting your first job, kid? Surprise! Not so hard with a mega mall just down the road. Leveraging that first job into the second and earning a bonus bigger than your Dad's?? Surprise!

Glad to have that well-connected mentor? Surprise! He's really a crook, who got busted conning millions from rich broads on J-date. Which... Surprise! will probably be a lifetime movie very soon, featured in all the best prisons.

Trying to keep up the old leg routine, big man? Rack up those 45's then... Surprise! You can't walk for two days. 

If you're lucky, your Surprise! moment might include getting that novel both you and your agent still believe in, out in the world, where Surprise! People like it! They really like it!

Your dentist gives you a big Surprise! All these years you've been grinding your teeth down to nubs in your sleep! But, you have the tightest jawline for an almost fifty year old!

Going home for the high school reunion, you actually get to see all of your sisters! Surprise! And eat at the local diner, twice! Surprise!

When your bestie rents a lake house in your old stomping grounds, you take her up on the invite, and you both travel to the old neighborhood where, Surprise! Nothing has changed! Including Dave and Vicki. Surprise!

You find you really can write a damn good novel about truckers in 10 months! but, Surprise! You need to do it again starting next month.

The biggest video game release of the year earns over 2 billion dollars, and who's in line at midnight? Surprise! You and your son. 

Holiday craziness hits and you remember, Surprise! You booked and paid for a New Year cruise to the Bahamas a year ago. Without the kids. Surprise!

2011 was the year that ushered in a new catch phrase which Surprise! wasn't that... but....Seriously?? 

Yep. Another year down... and surprise! You're still smiling and wearing the same jeans from college. It's not all bad. Because, SURPRISE! There's always Patron.


Post a Comment