Wednesday, December 5, 2007

When Ornament Parties Get REALLY Fun.



PART 1 : Because dragging it out is half of the fun.

We've all been invited, at least once-- to the jolly old holiday ornament exchange, usually initiated by the plump, kind neighbor lady who never fails to wave as you zoom past blaring Britney. She's the first on the street to hang Christmas lights, the first to Boo you on Halloween. She used to bake fruitcakes and send them to all her cousins before postage got so high. She sings in her church choir, crochets doilies and wears socks with her sandals.
You know her, don't you.

But that wasn't the one I was invited to 3 years ago. it all started with a TYPO.
The p- in front of the ORNAMENT exchange invite. I laughed and sent back a reply to the young, sexy, not even my neighbor girl who was hosting the exchange, "Sure, love to bring a pornament. See you on Friday."

I told another friend that I had glued a small plastic penis that ejaculated a white sticky substance when you squeezed its balls to the crotch of a Walmart angel ornament- all covered by the angel's robes.
She gasped."You're NOT bringing that, are you?"
"Hell yeah. it's funny. They'll love it."
She wasn't so sure.

Mind you, I had never been to the hostess's house before, but I felt I KNEW her, as a kindred soul KNOWS another.
So, I went- alone that night with my angel in a pretty box with the prettiest bow. The warning friend came late and gave me the raised brow. I nodded.
I sure hoped the mother and the mother in law and the grandmother and the aunts of the cool young sexy hostess chick were as cool as she was... or I was REALLY going to be embarrassed.
A few glasses of wine and half a bowl of hunch punch later the exchange began. The ornaments were lovely and expensive and the people ooohed and ahhed and there was a moment when I wanted to die when my box was chosen. The woman who got it was young and cool and when I called out across the living room, "That's cute. Lift up the skirt."
She did.

You would think these women had never seen a penis before.


They oohed and ahhed and fought over that little angel with a dick all night long.
And I was invited back, much to the chagrin of the warning friend.

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