Thursday, January 10, 2008

Feeling a bit square peg in a round hole.

I can totally relate to my teenager.
Lately I've been feeling like a misfit-- part might be blamed on the self-imposed intensive writing, musing and reading over the last week, but part is my natural even year (2008) growth starting up. My life pattern seems to be upheaval in odd years, growth and settling in during the following even year. Thing is, I'm not sure what I should be settling into.
I tell my kids it's good "to want" because that's what keeps us living in the day to day and making goals for tomorrow, but what about when what you think you want is SO not the same as what the people you have surrounded yourself with want?
I think (insert your higher power here) God wants more for each one of us and I don't feel guilty reaching out my hand and turning the doorknob. I just wish I had more than a few friends who felt the same.
I wish I had a writing group that really understood me, that knew McSweeney's and could hear Robert Olen Butler's voice. I wish I had a stylish wealthy girlfriend who wore my size. I wish I could talk to my husband about books. I wish I didn't feel guilty stealing time away from family to write. I wish someone would make that my only job. I wish I was more proud of my town. I wish I didn't feel like a minority here. I wish I didn't have to explain myself all the time, or qualify my decisions or feel like I have outgrown my skin. I am so glad that when I told my husband these things he totally got it. And maybe that's enough for now.
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