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WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ll be able to see things in an usual way today after one of your eyes gets kicked out in a fight. After the initial shock you’ll find it comes in very handy for seeing round corners.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Neptune, planet of garibaldis and digestives, promotes showing off your jammy dodger. Don’t be fooled: he just wants to lick your custard cream.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Family is more important than ever this week – especially your ancestors. You may want to dig one up and take their body into work. Or just make some soup.
Taurus (20 APR-20 MAY)
Opportunities to widen your social circle with a broad-minded other are on offer when you meet a blind person with no sense of smell who already has herpes. How lucky is that?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Whether you’re at work or at home, you find people are jockeying for position. Tell them to be patient: you’ve only got three holes and you’ll get round to them as soon as you can.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A shared interest draws you closer to someone at work you already like. Great. And now you don’t have to be on your own anymore when you dress up as a woman.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Something small triggers a big emotional response inside you. If only your husband had one like that. But where would you insert the batteries?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A task you’ve done a thousand times before suddenly seems much more difficult. That’s because you are sober.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You and a family member need to end an argument, even though it ends in a gunfight and their death. They were right, though. There never was a Seaman Stains in Captain Pugwash.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you are single, there is no better time to meet someone new and get them interested in doing it with you. Same if you are married.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Try to spend more time on the road and less in a ditch with your head smashed through the windscreen. If you do crash, keep hold of your beer bottle in case it hits one of your passengers.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your love life gets a boost, even though you think it’s already as good as it can get. And you get to give your wrist a day off. The size of your forearms!