Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Once upon a time, in a land far far away...
I was always the first one to arrive, with my printed out directions dated a week in advance, my calendar neatly organized, my list checked off, my shoes tied.
I used to be teased for being so overly prepared for the event happening two months away- a problem, in that I tended to go overboard at the last minute, thinking surely I must have forgotten something.
I said YES to multiple activities, because, I never slept and there was time for everything.
To put things off meant having to do them later - at an inconvenient time- so, I didn't put anything off.
The bills were paid early. The hamper never got full. The dishwasher was empty, the pantry stocked. I never ran out of gas in my car. My kids turned in projects early, never missed a day of school. I planned and executed trips, appointments, shopping sprees like an Army General. I added more to the plate, offered my services, gave up personal time and space. I was the Queen of Productivity with a clean and organized house to prove it. Look in my closet! See my clean car! I am wearing makeup AND matching underwear! My summer plans are done and it's only March! My checkbook is balanced mid-month! I wrote a novel! I started a business! I worked out every day this week! I joined another club! I read three books and the NY Times!
I am tired.
So, what happened to the fairy tale?
It wasn't some dramatic life changing event. it wasn't some mental fugue, or a lost spouse, or even kids. I did all that raising them, and now that they are old enough to help with the chores, I really have no excuse.
I'm blaming it on technology. On the speed of Today. On Facebook and Twitter. On emails that can find me- everywhere.
On texts and better cell phone service.
I'm blaming it on those successful, beautiful women in the world who made me feel like I too could be SuperWoman!
Did I take on too much? Am I trying too hard? Do I need all that stuff? Who really cares?
And the most important question, Why do I feel guilty if I am not productive from 5AM-8PM daily?
And yes, I am procrastinating right now. I should be finishing a chapter in the work in progress- adding another few pages, another couple of hundred words....
To be honest? really honest?
If facebook had not suspended my account this morning for posting a link to SCRATCH on a literary page site, I might be perusing the photographs of strangers which would lead to an hour of googling the train service in Russia and the availability of hotels in Prague.
And that, my friends, is how procrastination starts for me.
How does it start for you? Where does it end? And how much do you think it really matters?