Let's talk Jaguars. Not the team, not the cats. The cars, people. The. Cars.

What do you get when you combine one amusement park, multiple drivers including one very excited car-loving blonde and a bunch of sleek new Jaguars?

 Answer?  A whole lot of fun. Also called The Jaguar ALIVE Driving Experience.
  It wasn't easy to find my way into the closed park. Thank goodness a Jaguar passed by me slow enough to follow. We made a nice little parade. My XKR following his XF.
 The check-in at the hospitality suite was quick and painless, and soon we were ushered into the outside tent (drizzly weather had just stopped) for an introduction to the vehicles, prices, models, features, all the stuff a brochure would tell you more succinctly than I.  Check it out here.

 Next up was a quick talk about Jaguar Technology, like Dynamic Stability Control, AWD and three separate driving modes, plus the one no one wanted to hear about.... the Automatic Speed Limiter. But talk wasn't enough. You have to drive it to feel it. There were car choices of the XF and XJ, both with AWD.
I teamed up with my new Jag loving pal, Tyrone and we got to run through some hazards in different modes, testing the accident avoidance features. There was a slippery hill, a skidding turn, a bumpy road and some twists and turns. All fun, and in the extra long XJLR, it was a luxurious way to enjoy backseat driving, unless I'm driving, then hold onto your cucumber water!

 Tyrone said that last year at the same event there was more driving, both on the track and around town,  and more cars. Later we learned that due to some sort of internal costs things had been cut back. I wondered if anyone ever tried or succeeded in stealing a car from the event— then I wrote a story in my head where someone did.

We made our way to the next tent for JAGUAR DYNAMICS, where we were able to drive two cars, XKR and XFR all 2014 models. I drove the XKR coupe.  It was pretty cool to hear, "OK. Now floor it! Pedal to the ground!" instead blue lights and sirens. That was one smooth trip from 0 to 60, and a few heart pounding turns back to the tent.

Where I went along for a two-fer ride in the XFR with Tyrone at the wheel first.

This is my face after he told me he gets his "ya-yas" out by driving race cars every weekend. It was probably also his face when I drove one-handed and got yelled at by the instructor.

This is the dash and the backseat. I love the two tone interior and clean dashboard.

By the way, no one had to tell Tyrone to put the pedal to the floor.

 Next up was the one we were both waiting for: PERFORMANCE and a bevy of F type convertibles to choose from. ( it's what's under the hood that will really make the difference.)
*From Jaguar site:

YOUR F-TYPE

There are four models in the F-TYPE range. While each offers its own distinctive characteristics, all are equally at home on mountain switchbacks, on the highway or in the city.
The F-TYPE is designed to deliver pure driving pleasure.
The F-TYPE S adds greater power and sophisticated suspension technologies for increased balance and performance.
The F-TYPE V8 S Convertible provides exotic-car performance and greater levels of dynamic capability and control.
The F-TYPE R Coupe delivers supercar levels of performance combined with advanced dynamic technologies for the ultimate driver focused experience.

Most impressive non-performance feature? The z-fold bootless roof. I drive a convertible, but mine has a boot and the roof takes a little more than 12 seconds to go up or down. Not in this baby. Course, mine is also a bit larger... Here. Hold my purse. Leave the golf clubs at home.

 WHEW. That was awesome. Then it was back inside for goodie bags and snacks.
Of course, they had to pull me away from this beauty.

Yes, You're seeing the JAGUAR XKRS GT.
 Here she is up close.

Don't get your hopes up. There will only be 25 of them released in the USA. You will probably never see one in person, and definitely not be allowed to lean all over the spoiler.

Thank you JAGUAR ALIVE. I had a wonderful day on the track, enjoyed meeting new people, and learning what's new for this brand that in my opinion NEVER went out of style.

 Hey, this has been on my Christmas list since I was two.

 Are you listening Santa?

Another reason to not buy a magazine for its cover.

Image of ultra-thin Ralph Lauren model sparks outrage

• by Brett Michael Dykes, 16 hours ago

In recent years an ongoing debate has brewed over advertisers and fashion magazines using photographs, particularly photographs of women, that have seemingly been altered, or "retouched," by airbrushing and photo editing software such as Photoshop. The latest such image to cause an uproar is one featured in a new Ralph Lauren advertisement that shows a model, Filippa Hamilton, so emaciated that her waist actually appears to be smaller than her head.

On September 29th, Boing Boing's Xeni Jardin posted the ad, which originally appeared on a blog dedicated to pointing out suspected retouched images called Photoshop Disasters, with the comment, "Dude, her head's bigger than her pelvis." Ralph Lauren responded by filing a Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) complaint against Boing Boing and Photoshop Disasters, claiming that their use of the image was a copyright infringement that fell outside of the Fair Use laws which allow the media to reproduce creative content for the purposes of commentary and criticism.

The Internet service provider hosting Photoshop Disasters (Google Blogspot) deleted the post containing the image, while Boing Boing's (Canada's Priority Colo.) did not. In response, Boing Boing editor Cory Doctorow issued a stern warning to Ralph Lauren yesterday on the website, saying that the company's attempt to silence their criticism has only inspired them to step up their efforts in the future:

"Copyright law doesn't give you the right to threaten your critics for pointing out the problems with your offerings. You should know better. And every time you threaten to sue us over stuff like this, we will:

a) Reproduce the original criticism, making damned sure that all our readers get a good, long look at it, and;

b) Publish your spurious legal threat along with copious mockery, so that it becomes highly ranked in search engines where other people you threaten can find it and take heart; and

c) Offer nourishing soup and sandwiches to your models."

The U.S. isn't the only place where advertisers are feeling the public backlash over retouching claims. Overseas, a recent Olay ad featuring a virtually wrinkle-free 59-year-old Twiggy caused such an uproar in the UK that the British Parliament recently proposed outlawing retouching in advertisements aimed at teenagers. The movement was initiated by the nation's Liberal Democrats, whose leader on the issue, Jo Swinson, said:

"Today's unrealistic idea of what is beautiful means that young girls are under more pressure now than they were even five years ago. Airbrushing means that adverts contain completely unattainable images that no one can live up to in real life. We need to help protect children from these pressures and we need to make a start by banning airbrushing in adverts aimed at them. The focus on women's appearance has got out of hand - no one really has perfect skin, perfect hair and a perfect figure, but women and young girls increasingly feel that nothing less than thin and perfect will do."

In the U.S., many retouched images featuring celebrities have been the subject of recent scorn, including a L'Oreal ad that lightened Beyonce's skin, an image of Jessica Alba airbrushed to feature a slimmer waist in a Campari ad, and an ad for London Fog featuring Gisele Bunchen in which her "baby bump" was removed.

In response to the growing concern over retouching, a website called About-Face, whose stated mission is to arm "women and girls with tools to understand and resist harmful media messages that affect their self-esteem and body image," has sprung up. The site features a "Gallery of Offenders" as well as a "Gallery of Winners" to highlight who the site's editors feel are the advertising industry's best and worst in regards to improving and harming the image of the modern woman. Site visitors can also contribute money to help offset its operating costs as well as expand programs designed to educate young women on beauty and self-image.

Another website to garner attention for its dedication to exposing photo retouching offenses is Jezebel.com. Speaking on the subject of retouching, Jezebel editor-in-chief Anna Holmes told Yahoo!, "I don't see any point in retouching anymore ... The cat's out of the bag." She added, "I think Americans in particular are sick of having the wool pulled over their eyes ... even if it's regarding fashion models and actresses. The more they do this sort of retouching -- and then try to justify it, as the editor of SELF magazine recently did -- the less anyone believes anything else they have to say, or show. They are, in a sense, digging their own (shallow) graves."

Whether or not Holmes is right about the digging of "shallow graves" remains to be seen, but companies like Ralph Lauren certainly don't appear to be helping their cause by attempting to silence their critics, as doing so has only increased the amount of negative attention to their already controversial ad.

Photoshopped Models Tweak Teen Image

No matter how often I tell my 11 year old daughter, that what she sees on TV, in movies or in magazines, isn't reality, nomatter how often I show her this DOVE behind the scenes BEAUTY campaign,



I'm still just her mother, and therefore I don't know anything about anything, so boy was I glad to see this:

Warning: this unrealistic image has been Photoshopped

The French parliament has held its first hearing of a proposed law that would require every advertisement to display a disclaimer telling the public that images of people were manipulated. The goal is to help cut down on body issues in adolescents, and violating the law could be costly.

see full article HERE

Because, honestly, isn't it hard enough to be happy in our skin? No one wants to compare themselves to some graphic artist's imagination, do they?

Are you a SUPERFAN?

Even if you're merely a "FAN," you are going to love this new site I found.
If you're anything like me, when you want to know about something, or someone .... you want to KNOW ALL ABOUT it.
and what if you could go to one place, instead of window upon window of link upon link?
You can. (OH my, I sound like an infomercial.) Check it out.

It's SuperFan.
I tried typing in LOST, one of my guilty TV pleasures, and found videos, photos, connections to other pages , a comment section and a place to talk to other super fans. Totally cool thing. Some pages also offer blogs, quizzes and battles. The Sports Pages are especially full of information.

My sisters would have loved this when we were growing up. They had walls of posters of their favorite singers and actors. They read all the teenybopper magazines and wrote love letters to them in their diaries. Now thirteen year olds can go to SuperFan, type in The Jonas Brothers or Channing Tatum or Megan Fox and start their own fanclub.


SuperFan.com was founded by Harvard MBA and internet pioneer, Rick Marini, a guy who's lived in two of my former states, NH and CA and started a little thing you might have heard of called Tickle.com, which he later sold to Monster Worldwide for over $100 million. Nice.

I am SO GOOD, that three years later, I can still annoy you.

You can bow and chant that you are not worthy.
And I'll blush and Aw- shucks you while kicking up dust....
but seriously?
I think it is FANTASTIC that I can continue to piss people off about something that I wrote way back when...
Here's the original post and comments


Note the latest comments as like- last week, and totally off the mark. C'mon people? if you want to rant, at least get it straight what you're ranting about. Haven't I taught you anything?
Geesch.
Funny how I get a whole bunch of hits from employees at that unmentioned company --daily, as well as a whole bunch of nervous insurance switchers using the key words, sucks, stinks, crappy, worst, awful, bad news, and dude, for real?!?

It only looks like a fine wine.

You have probably heard of MonaVie by now.

Kathie Lee talked about it here.
Even if she got the name of the berry wrong, she still promoted its benefits. So, when someone offered me a free bottle to try, I figured what the heck, right?

I took my bottle of PULSE and ACTIVE to a recent Bunko party. It looked like wine, so of course my friends were game.



( words in BLUE are direct from the MonaVie website)

We liked the taste and texture of PULSE, the juice for heart and cardio benefits

• Boasts heart healthy levels of plant sterols to help maintain healthy cholesterol levels.
• Features resveratrol, which supports your cardiovascular system by helping protect healthy blood vessels.
• Delivers powerful antioxidant polyphenols to promote a healthy cardiovascular system.

better than the bottle of ACTIVE, the juice for joint health,

• Individuals who regularly consume MonaVie Active have reported an increase in vitality, better health, an overall sense of well being, and an improvement in joint health.
• Initial research suggests that drinking four ounces of MonaVie Active on a daily basis can enhance your body's antioxidant activity.
• Gives your body the resources it needs to help fight free radicals that target joints.
• Helps you maintain a healthy and active lifestyle.

which seemed more tart and "seedy". ( There were a few comments that if you added some vodka to the juice the tartness might not be such an issue.)

After taking a surprise flying departure off a SeaDoo this weekend, I am hoping the shots of MonaVie Active get me back on the horse- so to speak, in quick order.

One of the women who's a teacher at an elementary school said that her co-worker was taking the PULSE juice to lower her cholesterol and help with heart issues. he had wonderful things to say about the product . The only thing was she felt odd breaking out what looked like a bottle of wine in front of her students and slamming back a shot every morning.
( ok. Slamming was my word, but still...)

So maybe, marketing gurus at MonaVie? You may want alternate packaging options. Like something smaller, less alcohol looking and less breakable. I'm just sayin'.

Dan is the guy to talk to if you want to try or buy. Here's his twitter info.

Let's talk books. And book covers.

For as many of my author friends who are ecstatic about the way their book covers turned out.. there must be someone in the wings feeling a bit put out.

Have you seen this story? Got to agree with the author on that one.
And then there's this one: Yikes.

There is even a contest for the worst covers. Here's the 2005 finalists.

Some bad book covers I found are funny because they're out dated: like these
and some I have to say I like, you know, for the art.

Trimming the Hedges

I thought it was just me who found those new Schick Quattro Trimstyle Razor & Bikini Trimmer TV ads funny and a bit naughty.

The online and European ad looks like this:


and the American ad?
Looks like this.


All those commercials and the music... just makes me laugh and remember this:

Adam Sandler Music Video: Secret - watch more funny videos

When it rains, it pours.

Not only did Morton salt jump on the idiom, but apparently Rapper 50 Cent thought it was meaningful enough to use in a pretty nasty song that you can even download as your ringtone- if you're into that.

Around here, we have had the literal problem with the rain. Downpour conditions, referred to by some locals as "gully washers" should have been a welcome respite from years of summer drought conditions, yielding the lowest levels in our lakes in decades and a whole crapload of rules and regulations we had to abide by when watering our yards or washing our cars, even taking showers.
But no, we complain. Because that is what we do.
We say the commute is longer and more dangerous. We say we can't do our yard work or repair our houses.We say the soccer and baseball game schedules will be forever screwed up. People who need to work can't and those of us easily depressed by gloomy weather don't want to.

On the other side of the saying, there's the idea that when one bad thing happens, a bunch of its friends join the poo-poo party and the shitstorm is on.

Or maybe that's just how it happens for me. Never a bunch of good stuff joined by happiness and butterflies, nor in small tidy bunches of threes like for some people. No for me, it's more like a snowball at the top of a very tall mountain, set loose by a two year old.

It may be household related: the new ac unit and hot water heater issue and water leak and sprinkler system shitstorm of last year. Joined by the dying microwave attached to the built in oven which was preceded by the death of its stovetop counterpart...
Or the way I can blow light bulbs by merely touching the switch. My best day? Three bulbs, one flood light and then I shocked the crap out of myself just by touching the metal mailbox. My doctor says I am highly electrical.

The shitstorm may be family related: a sister tells another sister who tells the other sister... and so on. Something is bound to fall out when you play telephone that way. And even in my small immediate family: the he said, she said, don't tell Dad and why did you do that? all roll into one very large and dangerous ice ball heading for the pretty chalet.

It may be financial, business-related... the stuff we don't talk about. Money and jobs and what we want to happen. How not holding on so tightly makes losing something easier.

It may be school for the children, weight and body issues for everyone, food and provision for the bread-winner, relationships for the mediator... we all have our shitstorms.

It may be predicated by something you said.
Most times ...it's something I said.
or did.
or didn't do.

As a writer, I spend a lot of time in my head. I make my own shitstorms daily. I need the downpour. It feeds me. I live many different lives and if you join me in any of them, at any given moment, you will need an umbrella.

Some days, I wish God had had enough sense to install an off switch when he made me, and given me the brains to know when to use it. And legs fast enough to outrun a speeding ice ball.

Weekend wrapup. Old Dogs, Flowers, Fish and Football

My parents were in town for the weekend. Not a big event for most people, but my parents took 2 days to drive to Georgia from Central NY, stopping in on us on their way to a short vacation in Florida.
It was a busy few days. Not only did my old dog turn 13. Happy Birthday, Kid Kallahan.

My Mom turned 73.
Happy Birthday, Cookie.We went out for Greek food after a day at the Aquarium.
We also went to a flower show. My dad and I liked the butterflies from South America
and I got to see more of the weird orchids I love.
creepy aren't they?

Then of course there was THE SUPER BOWL. Though, it was kind of like the super disappearing act in our house, as some people crashed on the couch, some holed away in their room with a video game and others escaped to a book. We did make a betting pool and had lots of snacky food and martinis, so sure, it was a party. Just more sedate than usual with lots of texting going on and lots of waiting for the funny commercials, then dvr'ing the great play so we could see the catch again and again.
If only I had a life dvr.

Saying Goodbye to a Comedic Dynasty.

You've all seen them. The wild and sometimes disturbing t-shirts of T-Shirt Hell. My confession? I find even the creepy ones quite smart.

Well, it will be over soon. here's a message from the owner/creator:

I'm done. I'm finished. I can't take the stupidity anymore, so I'm leaving and I'm taking my website with me. As of Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009, T-Shirt Hell will be no more. No, I'm not selling out to some douchebag corporate entity. No, we're not being sued by any of the over 40 companies that have sent us cease and desists over the years. No, I'm not going to jail (yet) and no, it's not because of the economy. Although, the recent dip in sales certainly does make the idea easier to accept, even though we still sell over 3000 shirts a week. I started this company in June of 2001, nearly 8 years ago, with the intention of producing the best satirical, the most controversial, the funniest t-shirts on the internet. Generally speaking, I feel I've accomplished that and am satisfied with what we've put out. I made a shitload of dough along the way. I've done cocaine off the better body parts of supermodels. I've even raped and killed a mountain panda in the hills of Shaanxi. But these perks are besides the point. I just don't feel like dealing with idiots anymore. Wow. I would love to be able to say that... just the last part I mean. Here's some of the shirts this company is famous for- and even more here.with a WARNING or two.

My birthday's in March.

When a sleep aid cure is worse than not sleeping.

Serious side effects of AMBIEN include:

• getting out of bed while not being fully awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing. e.g., preparing and eating food, making phone calls, or having sex have been reported in patients who are not fully awake after taking a sedative-hypnotic. As with “sleep-driving”, patients usually do not remember these events.
• abnormal thoughts and behavior. Symptoms include more outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal, confusion, agitation, hallucinations, worsening of depression, and suicidal thoughts or actions. Visual and auditory hallucinations have been reported as well as behavioral changes such as bizarre behavior, agitation and depersonalization
• memory loss
• anxiety
  
• severe allergic reactions. Symptoms include swelling of the tongue or throat, trouble breathing, nausea and vomiting.

Holy crap. Insomnia might not be looking so bad for some folks. I have been lucky enough to never suffer from the inability to sleep. In my youth, I used non-sleeping as a way to get more done. Apparently, it is not the case for all folks.

Don't be hatin' on my French shoes.

Despite one uncomfortable episode with a Frenchman in Aix en Provence many years ago, I still maintain my love for all things French. Now that my son is taking French classes, we irritate the shit out of the non- French speakers in the house. Love that too.
These rubber wedge shoes from Rocket Dog (a young-minded footwear and clothing company founded in 1997, and named after Max, the speedy mutt of one of the creators. The Rocket Dog consumer is an independent freethinker that shuns the polished look and materialism of the previous generation) amuse and delight me, like France.
Okay, I may be stretching the whole fleur de lis Monarchy symbolism blahblahblah, but hey, how else was I going to talk about France and dog Americans who don't get the whole French thing?
If I had a scanner ( hint hint, Santa) I would insert my Rainy Day Parisian Lemonade Vendor photograph and tell you the story of waking up in the wrong bed in la Côte d’Azur. Guess you'll have to wait.

I am SO not a PC.

One look at this webpage- found on the front page of yahoo this morning and I was glad for at least one thing.
Apple.com

Holy crap. What were they thinking letting total retards post their "I'm a PC" message? From the guy who likes cheese to the one who can't figure out his webcam to kids whose parents probably made their choice for them, it's pretty embarrassing- add in the poor video, inept sound feeds and badly aimed webcams, I'm betting this backfires on the whole "Windows. Life without walls campaign."
Or at the very least, gives Apple's advertising team a whole new way to spoof the competition.

Now, more than ever am I proud to say, "I'm a Mac."

Anastasia wants to come to America and kill somebody.

Probably her new husband.
We all get those odd spam emails from foreign countries. They want to give us money, they want us to give them money They want to be pen pals. they want to help us save money on penis enhancing pills that we don't even take. They want us to support wars, heal the sick and generally behave as if we are much more godly than you and I know to be true.
But this morning I had to laugh- an email from foxracer yielded this information:

Hello man my new friend!
I understand, that you do not know me and I do not know you, but probably in the future all can change. All good always occurs in the future and I ask a few patience from you to read my letter up to the end... . My name is Anastasia and to me it will be very pleasant, if you will name me so. Was born 34 years ago and all this time I live in Russia, in city of Kirov. ... life goes in regular intervals and every day is similar on previous. ... For all my life I could not meet the man to which I could trust completely and with which I would like to connect my
life, but very much I want.
Several days ago I laid at home on a sofa and thought. Why I am lonely? Why I cannot find my special the man?... Also I have thought. Why to not try to get acquainted with the man from other country if I could not find my special man here in Russia? Now we live in 21 century and I
know, that many people use the Internet ... I do not want to be lonely during my life or simply to sit and wait, when my love will come to me.

...and she goes on, though my mind drifts to yesterday's local headline about immigrants being responsible for increase in crime, which led some idiot to conclude the immigrants need some sort of tutoring when they move to the US so that they will understand the rules...wtf? like a USA handbook at every border?

...but the kicker is this picture of lovely ANASTASIA:It looks like she is hiding a blade or an icepick, that any minute- after the ceremony, after the joint bank account has been opened- after the fake pregnancy has been announced- she's going to rip off her wig and stab Mr. American Man Her New Friend.

Another Ad from 1930's

Yes, you guessed it. I'm doing research this week. Thought you might enjoy this.
It's a real ad run from the time period, though urban legend folks will call it a hoax. Even more unreal is finding THIS- a link to a modern day site that will actually help you buy and ingest a tapeworm cyst. Ewww. Excuse me while I go puke.

Lysol: How to Keep Your Man

The writing is pretty hard to read in the second ad, but it closes with:
"I wouldn't be satisfied now with salt, soda or other homemade solutions! Not with "Lysol," a proved germ killer that cleanses so gently yet so thoroughly. It's easy to use and economical."