When your father turns 80, you get on a plane, even if your dress is backwards. SURPRISE!

  My Dad turned 80 on April 3rd. 
 I broke the law to send him a gift- the kind of gift I'll want when I'm 80, excellent booze and something big and fat to smoke. Actually turns out I broke several laws in the purchasing,transporting, and later, shipping of said gifts. I am such a rebel. (Thank you, Cuba, Key West, TSA, Bob's Liquor of GA and FedEx.) Bath products?? hahahahah

My sisters planned a nice little family and friends gathering. I had plans in GA right up to the event date, so wasn't thinking I'd be able to go, but last minute, the hubster bought the plane ticket and pushed me out the door at 4 am... Three hours after I  went to bed, btw.

Did you know that the one way to avoid horrendous daily Atlanta traffic is to drive it's virtually empty highways at 4:30 am? The usual 45 minute to 1.5 hr trek to the heart of downtown took merely 23 minutes. With roads that empty, me going speeds that high, it was like a scene the first season of Walking Dead, minus the zombies.

I had some social media pals make two birthday videos for me to present to my Dad- sort of an inside joke, and something he could get a kick out of. We have the same twisted humor, and share a love of magic.

Here's the magic trick for my Dad, Jack.

 Mont is available for live magic events, and also is a hypnotist. He can help you quit smoking, reduce stress or lose weight. Or just have him come to your party and make your friends act like chickens and dance ballet in your living room.

MONT MAGIC 

 I also had an Irish comedian make a mock up of the famous Marilyn Monroe Happy Birthday, Mr. President song.  ( I love the youtube videos of her appearing late to the stage, the awkwardness of her drunkenness, the way Mr. President is busted and yet America doesn't get it... or do they? I wish only that the camera had panned to Jackie O's face... just once.)

The real Marilyn.

 This is Mark Manning, an Irish radio and TV broadcaster and voice-over artist, with a brilliant sense of humor, wishing my Dad a happy birthday.

 (one correction: Cookie is not 58. She's 78, but they have been married 58 years in June)
Hire Mark here for professional jobs. He does a lot of corporate work, but you can also have him do his Roger Moore impersonation to make someone's Bond loving day, here.

I tried out the videos on my phone in a crowded bar on Friday night for my Iowa pal, Nancy. She laughed and blushed and was genuinely afraid... Yep. I knew I had a hit on my hands, plus the techno part worked. So. yay.
 Fast forward to Saturday afternoon. ( the short version: park, wait, flight, wait, flight, rent, park, shower, drive, get lost, drive, arrive)

No one knew I was coming.  All I knew was the dinner part was a lobster boil in the garage at one of my sister's houses and lots of people were invited, event to begin at 3pm. My mother mentioned something in an email about Dad not wanting a big fuss, but wait until he sees what it's all about...
My imagination wheels started grinding as I drove the last half mile to the house and saw a bigass stretch Hummer limo on the side of the road. It was well after 3pm...
 Uh oh
 Me: I should have called ahead, or at least texted someone. Crap. They've been doing pudding shots and drinking for an hour, and are now all in that kickass Hummer off to meet Jack's childhood friends and all the old neighbors at some wild party with strippers and flame eaters and Cirque du Soleil hot men in tights serving martinis and feeding people vodka infused gummy bears. They'll be dancing and singing and partying the night away at some secret location, with projected slides of Jack from age 1-80 bouncing off tented walls, where hot girls on trapeze swings rain down cigars and Ecstasy. And I'm going to miss it all. SHIT.

                        We Will Now Pause For A Reality Check Moment

 So, yeah. The Stretch Hummer? Local Prom Night. The men in tights? More like nephews in jeans. Hot girls on trapeze swings? Not so much, more like my three sisters reminding me of the backyard swing set. The same one Mom ran the riding mower up one summer.  (Where was Vine then??)

But you know what?
 We didn't need pudding shots or  Ecstasy. We had this.

                                                   We had family.

                                                   Yes, this little boy

                             grew up and became Daddy to these little girls

who gave him these grandkids

                       
                                                         and these, too.

                 These was a lot of beer and wine at Jack's 80th, some homemade, even!  I need to try that. My nephew makes a mean Strawberry Wine. (not sure he was sold on naming it after me. Would you buy Aunt Linda's Hangover Helper?)
                      We caught up, told stories and apparently did a lot of pointing

                                             
                  We had our own version of hotness. hot things. Men and their fire...

                                        and their hats!   I love this.

                               Wanna see an awesome salt and pepper set?

Jack didn't get strippers, but he did get lobster. 

Next year? He deserves strippers clad only in gold bikinis and lobster bibs to crack open and serve him lobster, drenched in butter. Cue video.

                                                    There was CAKE!

                         
                                       There was outdoor sky fishing.

                 Look! The elusive windy mylar trout! A delicacy in 5 states.

 We lit Chinese lanterns-which should be called floating tree fire starters.

                   
                                                            Oops.

                    Am pretty sure some neighbor reported a UFO.

                It's April. So still ...winter in CNY. So, we had a bonfire.

With these lovely ladies. That's my 78 year old mom. Not. Kidding. 

She's hot, right?

Bonfires can be dangerous. 

Sometimes it all depends on who you are sitting next to.

  Maybe that's sibling affection. I sure hope she wasn't offended by the T-shirt I brought her?

    (Specially printed up in matching colors  for the Sister Weekend That Wasn't)
*sidenote I have never had so many party photos of the back of my head. :)

    The fire was still going when we went home tipsy, smelling all outdoorsy and  lobstery, and watched the birthday videos again, while finishing off the Crown Royal Reserve. It was great.

More than great. I'd do it all over again for this. Priceless.

                                               Happy Birthday, Dad.

                         Thank you for making me the woman I am today.

You know it's time for a new bed when...

I have been asking for a larger bed for sixteen years. You know the drill, your family grows, you grow, your dog decides the foot of your bed is much more comfortable than his crate, you add more pillows, a puffier duvet, and pretty soon you end  with more "stuff" than mattress and sleeping area. 

Part of my hesitation one buying another bed was the memories attached to this one.
...read more.

A new bed. Is bigger better?

It's going to mean larger, more expensive sheets and more pillows. But it may also mean sleeping through the night.

 Of course, I am second guessing my selection. Don't we all do this in making large furniture decisions? And I mean that in two ways: large dollar decisions, and large pieces you'll have to live with for a long time.
 I found a site that allowed me to mix and match base and headboard, in effect creating my own style of bed.
 I felt, at first like I was bathing suit shopping, and wondered if I wanted my bottom to be bigger than my top, or ...

Because I am inherently cheap. I thought about making my own headboard and just buying the base. Especially when I saw these:

Hey, I could do all of those. I had already mastered the trompe l'oeil look at another house, and the picket fence one and even the screen behind the raised mattress one.
Building, no prob. Painting, upholstering, also, fun and easy.
 I even found this designer who walks you through a whole DIY headboard under $100 project. Here.

The only thing I'm battling right now, is time.
so, I went with a store bought combo, and will receive it on Thursday. But since today is trash day... I'll be sleeping on a mattress on the floor for a few nights and imagining what I can do to the room to meld old and new.

The Morning After Pill

I have been remiss in my blogging duties. And even worse? I am not doing the 30 days of shoes this November. Oh. Spank me!
No. seriously. Spank me.

I wold like to take this next 22 minutes. Clock set... to catch you up on the stuff that happened... the morning after, the mornings since I've been unblogged. ( that is a word you know)

Let us begin with:

Halloween.

I was a puppet- doll- girl. And my man was the puppet master. He joked that at least one day out of 365 he gets to be the one who pulls my strings.
 I ran out of time to add the gloved strings... maybe next time.

We went to a party, where we got to see people we hadn't seen all summer and some even longer ago than that. I love going to parties of creative people, as I can always get new ideas... and of course, the repartee is so much more interesting.

  There was an evil Capitalist.

Beer in the beer coffin

Yummy treats and some creepy treats too.

Later, the geek gear came out. Queens slappa'd the bass, mon.  While A Mad Hatter played the rock band drums.

We laughed when we heard that people were stopping into the well decorated party house in error... looking for the party down the street.
 I offered one a beer. They left soon afterward, but pointed int he direction of their friend's house.
So of course, I had to go down the street and se what was up.

Hey, a party is a party, right?
Four of us walked a few houses away, following the sound of music. We walked right into this house:
 ( after I checked the mailbox to learn the owner's name)


Upstairs it was empty..




with lots of, ummm... lonely bottles of booze.

 

but in the basement.. a spooky unfinished basement there was a lame party- that we crashed, 

and I am pretty sure they missed us when we left. HAHAHA 

We stole the hostess and brought back to our friend's house so she could meet her cool neighbors. Who knows, maybe next year they will combine parties for double the fun.

The next day, We had our own Halloween. Complete with loads of candy and the required minimum of scaring toddlers.

the dog got to be the evil thing that taunts her daily

All in all a wonderful October.

Where are the best haunted houses?

I'm a summer girl. Always have been. But, for at least a week or two, I love this time of the year.  Fluttering colorful leaves, crisp cool air.  Rainy mornings, chilly evenings. Cuddling in front of a fireplace. Sweaters and boots.  Hot apple pie.
 Okay. Now I'm hungry.

One of the best things about Autumn- besides that word- Autumn. ( I knew a guy once who named his daughter Autumn, and I was all, What will you call her for short, Um?)
 And, hey, isn't it weird that only one season has two names? Hmmm.

At any rate, Fall is here  and I am happy that means the return of THE HAUNTED HOUSE.

 YES.  Netherworld 
The place I mention here and here and here, and talk alot about HERE. And someone will definitely be pissed that I posted this recap here- they already pulled the shirt shot....

 But, still.
 We go.
 And after one special night of screaming, pushing, pulling and shoving which resulted in some torn apparel, we now attend on "purple panty night."

And although the beginning of that description sounds like something you'd see in an exorcism, or a heavy metal concert.. it's just us- a bunch of boring old housewives out for good, clean entertainment.
 Boo!

 If you're not lucky enough to be my neighbor... go to one of these.

2. Bates Motel / Pennhurst Asylum – Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, www.thebatesmotel.com.  The Bates Motel is more than just a haunted house.  It’s a major league SCREAM PARK with detailed haunted houses and a massive haunted hayride that’s sure to have you screaming in fear!  Bates Motel is well known for its use of the most amazing pyrotechnics ever included in a haunted hayride.  For 2010, there’s a second reason to fear Philadelphia as Pennhurst Asylum opens its doors to the public as one of the scariest REAL haunted houses in America: www.pennhurstasylum.com

3. The Darkness Haunted House – St. Louis, Missouri, www.scarefest.com. The Darkness is a powerhouse haunted house with Hollywood quality special effects, live actors, hundreds of animations, and amazing set design detailed throughout two floors of fright.  The Darkness is the only haunted house to be featured on Modern Marvels, National Geographic Channel and Travel Channel.  The Darkness has been hailed by many as America's best.  In St. Louis, you’ll also want to visit Creepyworld Haunted Screampark and the all new Lemp Brewery Haunted House.

4.  13th Gate Haunted House – Baton Rouge, Louisiana, www.midnightproduction.com.   13th Gate Haunted House is rated once again as the best haunted house in America two years running by Hauntworld.com.  This haunt has it all!  Not many haunted houses in America have reached this superior level of detail.  Amazing sets, incredible special effects, Hollywood-quality makeup artists, and more transform this location into a massive scream factory!

5. Headless Horseman – Ulster Park, New York, www.headlesshorseman.com.  Headless Horseman is a fearful force not to be reckoned with.  It’s an industry giant and includes one of THE BEST haunted hayrides in America.  The Headless Horseman himself will chase you down and hunt your soul inside this massive scream park of horror nestled on an old eerie farm in Ulster Park, NY.  The landscape provides an authentic Halloween experience that’s sure to terrify all who dare enter.

6. The Beast – Kansas City, Missouri, www.kcbeast.com.  The Beast Haunted House, one of the biggest and best indoor haunted attractions in the nation, spans FIVE FLOORS of fear with set design, ghost illusions, and detail to match the largest big-budget movies.  The Beast is simply a “beast” of a haunted house, packing so much terror into an enormous building large enough for 10 typical haunted houses.  You’ll be asking yourself, “Will this nightmare ever end?”

7. Spookywoods - High Point, North Carolina, www.spookywoods.com.  Spookywoods is MORE than just a haunted house.  It’s an entire scream park of terror including a corn maze, haunted trail, haunted house and even a haunted tram ride.  The Spookywoods location also features one of the biggest daytime Halloween events in the nation.  The Halloween fun includes dino digs, zip lines, pumpkin patches, and so much more.  When night falls, send the kiddies away because the ghouls come out to play…and they don’t play nice at Spookywoods.

8. Erebus Haunted House - Pontiac, Michigan, www.hauntedpontiac.com.  Erebus is the most unique haunted house in America.  Every scene and prop in Erebus haunted house has an animation or special effect to horrify customers into the frights of their lives.  Erebus is also one of America's longest haunted houses once holding the Guinness Book of World Records.  Erebus is a multi-level haunted house with tens of thousands of dollars spent on special effects to bring you the ultimate scare.

9. House of Torment – Austin, Texas, www.houseoftorment.com.  House of Torment (HOT) is a horrific haunted house experience that HauntWorld discovered back in 2008 and featured on the cover of HauntWorld Magazine.  HOT brings you an unmatched, in-your-face FEAR and takes it to new horrific heights with icon monsters, over the top marketing, edgy scenes and blood-curdling screams!

10. Cutting Edge Haunted House - Fort Worth/Dallas Texas, www.CuttingEdgeHauntedHouse.com. Cutting Edge Haunted House is the reigning champion of the Guinness Book of World Records longest haunted house!  Easily described as a never-ending journey through hell, Cutting Edge is located in an eerie old meat packing plant.  Closed down for many years, they’re now processing meat once again…meat of human flesh!  Enter if you dare inside the Dallas area's BEST haunted house.

11. The 13th Floor Haunted House - Denver, Colorado, www.getscared.com.  The most detailed and elaborate haunted house in Denver is The 13th Floor featuring breath taking sets, scenes, special effects, and the SCARIEST monsters on the planet.  The masterminds behind The 13th Floor Haunted House also own two other amazing haunts in Denver, The Asylum and Blood Shed.  When visiting Denver, you must visit all three haunted attractions for the scream of your life!

12. Dent Schoolhouse – Cincinnati, Ohio, www.frightsite.com.  The Dent Schoolhouse is new to our top 13 list, and we’ve discovered a goldmine of FEAR with this one!  The Dent Schoolhouse features incredible story telling, horrific set design, and amazing fright inside one of the creepiest buildings we’ve ever encountered.   Was that a costumed monster or the haunting of a REAL ghost?  You be the judge, if you survive The Dent Schoolhouse

13. Nightmare on the Bayou - Houston, Texas, www.nightmareonthebayou.com.  Nightmare on the Bayou is a terrifying haunted house experience that plays on your every heart-pounding fear.  It’s called a “nightmare” for a reason.  If you escape Nightmare on the Bayou, you’ll also want to visit their massive Halloween costume retail store where you can stock up on all the 2010 must-haves for the Halloween season.  You need it; they got it at Party Boy.

all borrowed from this website: hauntworld.com

Well, that was fun. Now who's going to put it all away?

My mess  decor is nothing at all like the elaborate multiple arches lights/music/rotating reindeer and Santa in the sleigh yard displays that I saw on TV this past week, as a matter of fact, we put out the least amount of lights ever this year, in the fastest amount of time. It was nice that not once did I blow a fuse while drying my hair. Not once did I have to run out to the garage dripping wet, brace myself behind the refrigerator, contort my arm while holding up a towel and blindly slap the reset switch just to save all that beer from dropping in temperature a single degree.

Inside, it was basically the same, with an upgraded tree skirt and a few new ornaments on the fake tree.
We actually tried to pack up and fly out to Mexico for the week, ( great deals being offered) until the 11 year old got really sad and quiet and we remembered not everyone in the house knew exactly what was coming on the 25th, that not all of us are quite ready to pack up the Santa hat and plate of cookies just yet.

Maybe next year.

 At least when undecorating this year, I have a big beefy teen to climb in the attic and toss down bins and boxes.. help me stash, store and haul all that crap stuff back up there.
And yet

Know this.
If i had another attic, I would have another 5 bins of Christmas decor. I want a life sized manger display, I want a set of carolers, music included, that stand under a flickering streetlamp. I want a giant candycane fence, a corral of reindeer- one with a red nose. I want a rooftop display that spells out Joy to the World. I want an Elvis impersonating Santa blazoned onto my garage door rocking out to Christmas Carols and at least three decorated trees in my house- all themed. I, of course, want to point and control and demand, but not really DO any of the work. I want my own mini Biltmore, A minor Martha moment. I want to be as inumdated with Christmas in my house as Walmart, Macy's and Target were the day after Halloween.
 I want wreaths dropping pine needles and I want hot glue gunned ribbons and bows and matching boxes for everyone stacked in every room of the house, gifts for everyone including the mail lady who I don't particularly even like....
 but
I only want all this if Christmas comes in June.

Because right now, Christmas set up requires a whole month-- the advent calendar starts on the first.. and this is merely a few DAYS after Thanksgiving with its cornucopias and turkeys and pies and autumnal colors and scarecrows and hay bales .. and only a few weeks after the big murder mystery which takes 3 months of prep and plan and set design- which is only one week after the humungous Halloween display with cemetary, giant ghouls and 7 bins of decor inside and out...
 so, truly, it's not that I am not ABLE. It's that- frankly... I am not WILLING. Not so much so soon. I have only so much creative output... on top of writing a novel, and all the other make believe stuff that goes on inside my head. I can't DO Christmas in December.

So, whoever is in charge? Can we move it please? It's just a few months. Imagine how much nicer it will be to climb on a roof when it's 80 degreees not 30? How much more time you'd take to admire the neighbor's display as you walked your dog late at night? How much more you would feel close to the Baby Jesus- who was born in a hot desert - nowhere near the frozen month of December.

C'mon. You feel me, don't you?

Living a Dimmer Life

I have this thing about lighting.
I think it is the most important piece of ambiance one can master. Think of the moods set by bright sunshine, by soft candlelight, by the foggy gloom of a rainy day...

I used to be into the whole candle thing, but wax drippings and the black smoke marks and all the fire hazards... well, now I leave the candlelit moments up to long baths, outdoor lanterns and special dinner celebrations.

Now, I create my candlelit atmosphere with dimmer switches on every possible lamp in my house. I have been known to unscrew bulbs in people's chandeliers hanging over a card table so the people across from me look softer, so I don't have to squint, so I can feel more at ease.

I have even given dimmer switch installation sets as house warming gifts.

So, yesterday when I went out to buy some replacement bulbs I was surprised to see my regular fix had changed.
No longer are we offered traditional incandescent bulbs of 40 watt, 60 watt 75 watt or 100 watt bulbs.
Now, it's wattage like this: 34/52/67/90

or for the really dim... 200 watts.

How odd is that?
Even saying it sounds stupid. "I need a 67 watt bulb, please."
And if you're shopping at WalMart, like I was, you might want to learn how to say it in Spanish.

I know, the whole incandescent bulb thing is going the way of the cost effective, yet ugly fluorescent bulbs which make everything look worse and have a high pitched whine to them that bothers me and the neighborhood dogs.
sigh
what's a girl to do--- besides stockpile all the old fashioned bulbs she can find?
Bulbs she will one day sell on E- Bay.

Let's all bitch about our HOA.

....sung to the tune of MY DICK, from Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay...

My HOA wants me to change my blinds.
Your HOA says your payment's running behind.

My HOA drives around in Caddies.
Your HOA will fine you for noise on St. Paddy's.

My HOA tells what color to paint my door.
Your HOA is run by a whore.

My HOA says don't park in the street.
Your HOA says you ain't fuckin neat.

My HOA closes the pool when kids pee.
Your HOA thinks your yard is weedy.

My HOA told me to hide my trashcan.
Your HOA gives it to you in the ass, man.

My HOA charges too much for too little.
Your HOA's covenants read like a riddle.

My HOA says no to sheds.
Your HOA wants you to prune your beds.

My HOA is run by Nazi finks.
Your HOA is full of MILFs and DINKs.

My HOA took down the basketball nets.
Your HOA won't let you park your jet.

My HOA won't answer the phone.
Your HOA won't toss you a bone.

Still Chasing the Dream

While packing for my recent writing conference in Florida, I did the three things any smart gal does: check weather.com's extended forecast, choose the prettiest shoes, and bring lots of books. I was ready for some sunshine, as Atlanta's teaser of Spring went from 60 degree days to 30 degree days and I hate being teased.
The conference was called Sleuthfest, sponsored by the Mystery Writers of America, the Florida Chapter and was geared to the detective/police/PI/thriller/suspense market... more suited for the novel I'm almost done with, not really the one I wanted to pitch, but the agent list was very respectable and I had at least one friendly face in Florida to look forward to seeing, an author pal who told me most of the business gets done in the bar. SO that was one thing I could look forward to. He also promised to show me this cool place. Vizcaya.
One of the statues at the entrance. Boob Anole extra.

Of course, I enjoyed the workshops, learned some new stuff, made some new friends, got the requisite author photos and signatures,
Big name to watch out for and a great guy, John Hart.
Super funny and talented Brad Meltzer, who taught me the value of giving.
did some shopping and went to the beach where we saw this guy catch a snapper, though he had no idea what kind of fish it was until someone told him.All the things you cannot do on the Pier. And now you KNOW I wanted to do them all.


Yes, it was a great trip. Fun times, good food, a bed to myself. Coupled with the fact that my reading of a chapter of We're Not Waving, We're Drowning was very well-received by my peers and I didn't choke on pitch day, nabbing me two agent requests, while two others came in electronically. I also scored some points with a positive and encouraging critique of the work in progress. It's always good to know you are on the right path.
It may have cost a bit of money, time away from the family, and the bitch of a delay getting home on blizzard day... a delay in a terminal where some guy almost died- when no one could heimlich the chicken sandwich out of his throat.
I am dead serious. That guy is going to have the sorest most bruised chest when he gets out of the hospital. Freaked me out. All I could think about was Palahniuk's book, Choke.

When the people near me invited me to join them for dinner before we flew out, I declined saying there was no way I could eat after seeing what happened with that guy.
"Are you sure?" they asked, "We could bring you back some chicken wings."
"Great," I said. "Chicken bones. Thanks."


So, to wrap it up, I'll say this. I'm glad I went, though coming home in high-heeled sandals to snow drifts and my son's Hooters Snow Girl was a bit unexpected.

Anyone who has spent any period of time with me knows I am stubborn- though I prefer to call it "determined."
I knew a guy once who made his Queensland Blue Heeler attack a deflated soccer ball hanging from a tree on his farm in Southern California with a simple whistle command. That dog ran and leapt into the air, snagging the ball and clamping his jaws onto the scarred leather. His hind legs hung two feet off the ground as he spun in slow circles.
We sipped our beers and watched, waiting for him to understand his predicament and give up, until the guy said, "He'll hang there all day. Once he's locked onto to his prey, until it gives, he can't open his mouth."

I'm like that dog.
I've been swinging under the publication tree for seven years. It's what I want and it's what I'll get. Sure, along the way there have been a fair share of hits and accomplishments for my short stories and essays, but my deflated soccer ball is the elusive book contract dangling from the branch of the perfect literary agent.
And after a few years of hearing, "It's not for us." and "Great writing, but..." my jaws are getting tired.
But here I am. Sending out the novel to a bulldog of an agent, another who wears pink and two secret links, continuing to hope for the best.