Mother of two raises hell in the South- and elsewhere, while trying to jumpstart a writing career
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Stupid and GREAT things I saw this week.
There have been updates on Twitter and sometimes on FaceBook-choose any of the assorted pages, but mostly I have been busy enjoying my family travel, summer and the new place.
And then, there's that thing with my writing. Thanks for asking.
After months of hard work and vodka, the shortened and revamped Three Women Walk into a Bar was sent up to the the agent now for a read through, and I'm days away from completing the latest revisions on Grand Theft Cargo, so this can make the rounds in a whole new world of publishing.
( If you've been living under a rock, let me direct you to a few reading spots to catch up.
Go on, I'll wait.
1. Golden Age, Shmolden Age.
2. What's a Hybrid Author? Does she still run on gas?
3. Holding tight to that 1% rise.
4. That thing with e-books, Apples and Amazonian Princesses.
You're back, Great. Hope your head is still on straight.
Right then, back to the business at hand.
STUPID THINGS I SAW THIS WEEK.
A flyer for a sandwich shop that delivers to my door.
Item: P&J ( peanut butter and jelly sandwich) cost $3.99
Let me be clear. No matter what my kids tell you, I do know how to spread peanut butter on bread. And it won't cost anywhere near $4.
A man stealing puppies. By putting them in his pants.
I can only hope they are still teething.
GREAT THINGS I SAW THIS WEEK
This cool house decor item. And future DIY Project.
This fab beer. Both for giving to that special man... and for imbibing.
And these skittish little softies. ALPACAS!
Yep. As always, more good than stupid around here. It's what you choose to focus on.
On that note.
I have missed you. I promise to not stay away so long in the future. I'm also looking for some new blogs to follow over here, that are not as book/ reader/ author/ writing oriented as the blogs I follow on my website. All ideas welcome.
See you soon.
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Writer's Lament
I did that.
I do that.
But summer.
Ah, summer. Cold air conditioned rooms, soft tempurpedic mattress.
The idea that you don't HAVE to make a kid's lunch at 5 am. You don't HAVE to tape your 10pm shows, you can actually watch them. The idea that the gym will still be there at 11, as it was at 8... sigh.
Dangerous ideas.
so this is what I'm back to. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Part 2 Vacation Post Wherein I teach my kid to steal

They might even climb on ladders to get the perfect shot and forget those bags of brand new YOLO t-shirts laying in the sand.... on a path directly to my town house.

They may pack up their boards and their sun hats and their classic VW camper bus and drive off leaving their litter behind. A few plastic sand filled cups, one coffee container and gee, look son... four brand new t-shirts, just our size.
Hey, it made the nonshark attack and the almost drowning and enduring both the shittiest meal ever at Goatfeathers and a 24 hour 10 year old barffest almost forgettable, because who doesn't like free stuff, especially when it feels like you've gotten away with something illegal.
Note to the YOLO board folks. We will wear your shirts proudly and even though, as a friend pointed out, we are inland and nowhere near the beach and YOLO board places... consider this free advertising. You're welcome.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
What did you do on summer vacation, Johnny? Well, I almost drowned...
Sometimes, when you look at the ocean, you think she is a restful, calm place. A place where romance blooms and sweet nothings are carried by the breeze across sandy dunes to land gently on freckled cheeks slightly scorched by the sun.
Other times, you see her for what she really is- a sly trickster PMS'ing in the worst way. She draws you into her depths taunting you with her cool blue exterior only to turn on you in an instant, roiling up underneath in riptides and evil currents of doom, sending man eating sharks, stinging rays and slimy purple jellyfish your way. She plays with your emotions, come deeper she says, look, a sand bar, here and here too... a place you can rest your tired limbs, a place I will drown you. And no one on land will ever see.
Here's a picture of our beach right after some doofus numbnuts hick yelled, "Shark!"
Um. No. Dumbass. That was a ray. And a small one at that. Good Lord, am I glad he wasn't around this morning when the dolphins were swimming by just past the sand bar.A sand bar that looks like this:
A sandbar that teased most of us on land into believing she had a sister sandbar a bit farther out, if we were reading her signs- that come hither beckoning finger that said, swim just a little bit more, just a little more.... okay. now DIE.Um. yeah. Well. almost.
See, right after the doofus yelled shark and scared everyone out of the water, I had to make a point, so I ran INTO the water and said I was going for a swim. My equally brave and equally stubborn 15 yr old son joined me. Everyone else went back to their coolers of beer.
So we swam, and floated, and joked.. and scared each other a little talking about rays and sharks and big fish underneath us. The shore was far away. Very far away. And the elusive second sand bar? Wasn't a sand bar at all... just more deep, deep water. Hiding a rip tide.
There are very few moments in my 46 years that I have thought I was going to die.
This was one of them.
And you know what I was thinking, as I was sinking? That this would be a totally embarrassing way to go, and that how weak would I be, if I didn't try to save my son, or how he would feel if he had to watch me die... we tried to wave to people on shore, tried to get someone to notice we were in trouble. I wondered how long it would take for a rescue to arrive.
And then, I saw all of these things cross my son's face and I changed my tune.
"C'mon Dude. Backstroke? I'll race you!"
We encouraged each other through the deepest water, out of the riptide, down the shore and finally to a place we could float and then stand and far away from our starting point, we hauled ourselves to shore and fell exhausted in the sand, looked at each other and said, "We almost freaking died out there. omigod."
Back at our sand chairs, under our sun shelter, we found a passed out dad oblivious to our plight and a little girl burying her feet in the sand, not a care in the world.
The irony of the fact that my novel is called, WE'RE NOT WAVING, WE'RE DROWNING is not lost on me. Thanks for the reminder, God. It's me, Linda.
more tomorrow, with a slightly less morose theme I promise
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wait. I'm supposed to stay home? With them?
From the way the school halls smelled to the lame seating, to the class room roster to the weight Mr. X gained and the color of Mrs. P's hair.
I swear, I don't know where they get it.
By the end of the day I felt like I'd just revisited my childhood- on a really bad day- say the winter of 1977- when I got dumped for the first time.
I'm trying to instill the idea of the strength of a positive mental attitude in my children, yet sometimes the only PMA thing I feel is that I am positively going to kill them.
One wants THIS for the lunches, one wants THAT for footwear, one NEEDS THIS and the other can't stand THAT. One is too short. one is too fat. One is never going to figure it out and other has SO got it all figured out. One wants to be President and the other wants to go to boarding school in England. Who the hell are these kids?
There is no immediate solution. I figure another 6 years at least of child-inflicted trauma, of wine neccessity...so, my short term fix is to keep running away. (brilliant,yes?)
So, I'm going here and here this weekend, immersing myself in a world I understand with people that get me, seeking an adventure, a funny story, an opportunity...
It's me taking my last breath before 180 days of SCHOOL- before I get back into the 4:30AM routine. Before I have to start shaking one kid awake at 5 am for the 6:05 bus and shooing the other one out at 8.
And on Monday, I might actually get dressed in time for The Back To School Mom's Morning in across the neighborhood with enough friends and liquored-up coffee to motivate me to come home and sit in my quiet quiet house and write to my heart's content.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Strangers in my house, some from my loins.
I am a woman who likes QUIET. Peace and QUIET. I sit in dark rooms THINKING. I frequently walk around an empty house TALKING TO MYSELF. I often read 2000 words of a current story or novel I'm writing out loud just to see how they sound before I curse, then delete them and start all over again. I like to pace, take long showers and write some more.
I have spent the last 180 days doing this daily.
Let's just say it's KINDA HARD to stop.
So, when my kids call me grumpy because they come in my office- oh ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN times in three hours, when the phone rings and rings and people scream and cry and kids come to the door and someone wants a freaking sandwich... I tend to lose it.
My answer?
1. headphones
2. send them outside then lock the doors
3. spiced rum
4. long long trips to the library
5. buy a monthly massage program
The only thing I can't solve right now is the interruptions from absolute strangers- the ill-timed Spanish speaking tile guys and the too slow cabinet maker, the wiring specialist and the tree sprayer, the lawn guy and the aeration specialist, not to mention the charity pick up dude and the really nice British guy from the theatre.
Maybe I need vodka.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
How was your week?
I was around- mostly, but busy. Did you ever have a week full of ATTEMPTS? You know, the week where you look at your calendar and see all the things planned, and all the to do lists and at the end of the week, instead of them getting smaller- or even disappearing- they have grown?
I had one of those weeks.. where I
*hired an accountant to do ONE MORE thing I hate to do. Whew.
*finally got a call back from the bathroom remodeler I'd been chasing down.
He sounds great. I'll let you know.
*went to a reception for a writing award in one of my fav local towns and got to hang with writers and relive my youth partying later here with a bunch of writing students.
*learned I stink at pool, but decided I still like trying
*found out I like running on hidden trails in the woods
*went to the North Georgia Mountains- a Bunko Broad sleepover. Tame for most, especially me, operating on 4 hours of sleep, drunk by the time the second load of ladies arrived, all talked out and ready for bed at midnight, but toughing it out until 1 AM to laugh at the drunkest broad ... it was one of those moments where you are laughing so hard you can't catch your breath and tears roll down your cheeks... classic. And no, I won't tell you what she was trying to do.
*was glad for the extended stay at the luxury mountain cabin which yielded more manuscript pages and two new story ideas via a nice bake in the sauna
*managed to avoid all bacteria-viral infected peoples, have new theory about illness and hot showers
*found TUT and practiced the art of positive thinking
*retained title of CLUE MASTER, beheld the dethroning of the Queen of CandyLand
*drove to the new BIKRAM yoga studio and arriving 5 minutes too late to join the class, I introduced myself to the French chef at the pastry shop
*finished another month of SCRATCH - winner and judge page up on the 1st.
*bought, wore, returned and exchanged my first sandals of the summer.
*picked up the wine club bottles for Italian month.
*finished rewrites on the latest version of the novel.
*met with my writing pal and worked on agent pitches and flatbread lunch selections.
*offered heartfelt thanks to God for every good thing
* learned it's okay to enjoy being alone and decided to find a wilderness retreat
*tried not to dwell on how few school days are left and the fact I will be kid-undated
*took up meditation- again
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Summer Lovin'
There was a list on the side of the fridge of all the things she’d planned to do this summer: go camping, travel, rock climb, sightsee, go to the aquarium, attend outdoor concerts, set up birthday parties, pack picnics, host pool parties, and spend many cool afternoons at the cinema.
But in the end, when the 81 days of summer vacation are over, the list has barely anything scratched off, and there are lines added at the bottom by the husband who feels a failure if things are incomplete, though she argues getting braces and going to a summer herpetology camp don’t count as a family activity, nor did the trip to the ice cream stand last Tuesday.
Summer is an excuse for her. A way to go schedule free for the first time in a year. Vacations that need too much planning are no fun—the old adage of take less stuff, bring more money is her mantra. The idea of traveling light appeals to her vagabond ways and she finds herself daydreaming in a colorful hammock of the year she backpacked through Europe hauling seventy pounds and sleeping on trains but never once feeling the aches and pains she feels now everyday before noon.
There’s a mandatory trip back home—this time to celebrate a marital milestone and when the weather turns to shit, most people rally—the better ones anyway. Thinking about it now, she realizes the problem with the hometown folk is that they don’t want. They have no desire to better themselves or their surroundings. They encircle themselves with people who are the same way and belittle those who embrace change. She thinks wanting should be a good thing. She can’t watch a home improvement show without trying the same techniques, without wishing for more, while she supposes these people would just shake their heads and switch the station to the poker playoffs.
Girl getaways are bargained for late at night amid twisted sheets. With her ploy being to tell him he is such a great father that this is his reward- to not have to share the kids. She can’t say it with a straight face and is glad of the dark, but he knows her too well and tells her no, this is your reward. Go ahead, have fun. Be safe. Never realizing that she’d be the one to jump out of the $83,000 BMW in the middle of traffic and run around to the trunk for the bottle opener and Chardonnay. Though he might be proud to know that she was the only one to remember the raft, the inflator and the herbal remedy.
The mountains of
She wanted more than anything to fish, to wake early and be the first one to see the sun rise, to hear the geese take flight downstream and watch the neighbors do what neighbors do when they think no one is watching, but instead, she drinks too much, reads too long and sleeps too late. Maybe those are the things most girls would do without kids and so it seems okay, especially when she pops a beer at 11 AM and quotes a crappy country song, claiming, “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”
They browse shops, buy pastries they may never eat and wonder if the cancer survivor thinks she’s fooling anyone with her bad wig and painted on eyebrows and if she’s so sold on the strength of homeopathy, then why is she hiding her reality? They eat Cajun food, share secrets and laugh a lot. She’s amazed how the same yellow jacket sting can be handled in two absolutely different ways. Unlike what husbands imagine about girl getaways, there are rarely pillow fights in babydoll pajamas, or hair twirling confessions of closet lesbianism. For these girls it would be more likely they'd get tattoos, spend the day at a truck stop swapping stories with Bubba and the evening nursing injuries incurred on a drunken trek to the river's edge. They must not be the Grease Loving girls the husbands thought they married.
No one is the same age from the same place with the same family setup. On this vacation, no one pulls on their arm, no one needs them. There is no judgment, only freedom in their choices—when dinner is wine and cheese and breakfast is strong coffee, kiwis and clementines.
For some, an impromptu summer escape will be too frightening to enjoy. Those controlling, compulsive types can never just up and go. For some, a bit of preparation is best and for others, to not have specific arrangements means fate will have to intervene and if the outcome stinks, you won’t be responsible- because nothing is worse than a fully planned event that flops. She believes in the luck of the draw- with some pre-education. For instance, if there is no booze sold on Sunday, she needs to know by Friday. She acknowledges That the best things are discovered down unmarked roads. The person who travels away from crowds is a true adventurer, as is the person who follows screaming sirens. That was how they found the babies of The Deadheads.
She takes her husband’s hand. It is their first trip without children- ever, and she wants him to experience every moment. They have planned only a few stops on this trip, waiting for the rest to unfold, to capture them, knowing that at some point they will be in the background of a stranger’s family portrait, their voice heard laughing for eternity as they pass the Japanese tourist with the video camera. Someone will remember this trip.
Prepared to be wowed by the wealthy, she’s instead disgusted by the choices those with money make. She is almost as sickened as she was in Vatican City, and feels certain if God were to bless her with millions she would never build a cold castle, leave it to people who would sell off the bountiful land and charge admission to see her drained indoor pool.
A month later, when they flip a coin and end up in a cottage on a barrier island off
that—she can’t wait for next summer.

